TRAVEL: In Rome with the Ranga

Rome. There's something about going there, that has that little bit of extra romantic marvel. There's a comfort, a sense, that you're going to where it all began... even though its not where it all began, cause it all began in Africa, technically. At its core, I think its because Rome rhymes with home.

This trip was a double trouble adventure with my beloved sister Nao (nicknamed the Ranga by friends and family). To understand the 'Ranga' reference please click here. I'm not sure how it started. I think it is because she expresses herself similarly to Jonah, the main boy in the series. Anyway, the way I've done this entry is as per usual with my own observations, but also included additional verbatim extracts from Nao's thoughts, highlighted in 'italics' quoted sections. Tried to get her to write her own entries but she doesn't write because 'writing for fark Rangas'... (even though she is Ranga).

Nao (The Ranga) with a happy face

Day 1: The forever forty minutes
So the idea was to leave Gatwick at 5.30pm to meet the sister at Rome Fiumicino at 8.30pm. Her flight was going to arrive at 7.30pm so all being well, she'd only have to wait an hour. A lightning storm I witnessed on the way to the airport put an end to that however, as a bolt struck the tower at Gatwick, decommissioning it. Miraculously the flight was only delayed 40 minutes so the impact was minimal. I quietly read a TIME magazine, got onboard, flew, and arrived. Now typically on a short trip, I'd only take a carry-on sized suitcase with me, but Nao insisted I bring a bigger one so she could offload some stuff for me (7kg worth) to take back to London (the things I do). This meant checking the bag in.

Nothing makes you feel more welcome in Rome than a photo of the Pope lifting a baby with a full nappy

With regards to the whole baggage experience there should be certain established rules, like there are rules of war. I'm not talking about commandments or strict laws, but a set of unenforced but acknowledged rules, understood by all, for the greater sake of humanity. One rule should be that the savvy motivated ground staff at the airport, get the baggage to the carousel within at least 30 mins upon the passengers arriving to it. Given that there is usually a 20 minute walk for the passengers through passport control etc, this should be easily attainable (with a total of 50mins to use). Not so at Fiumincino. I mean if you're going to name an airport after a great inventor like Da Vinci, its a bit insulting to his spirit if they can't invent a system to get your bags there in the same time it might take an aging tortoise. Another rule should be, if you are an old Italian man, and you don't know what your own luggage looks like, you should piss off to the back and wait till other people who do know what their luggage looks like, get theirs first,.. rather than obstruct the view of everyone by checking every single bag that goes by. A 3 strikes policy would work here. Luck out on the third go and you're out of there!.. and your baggage is furnaced,... or given to charity... though they probably don't worry your smelly old undies and 30 year old moth-ridden vacation shirts. Anyway, my bags finally arrived and I walked out to see Nao there waiting. She actually wasn't as mad as I thought she would be.

Nao - 'I was like wat da fark! I had to wait at da arrival place for da 4 hours with a nothing to do! Something was a wrong in da Grease, I think it was a holiday celebration, which means I had to get another plane to da Rome to skip it and that was a extra early. I was ready to tear a hole! If I knew then that it was gonna worser, I would have teared a hole.'

Upon meeting up with her, the next mission was to get from the airport to the main Roma Termini Station via train, and from there to the B&B. Now I had previously spoken with the woman at the B&B from London and explained our arrival time to be 10pm. Because of the delays it was past that already so I gave her a call from the station to let her know our approx ETA. I felt a bit bad, but what can one do about acts of god in Rome? I realise after this conversation however that my approx estimation was probably off by the magic number of the moment, 40 minutes, because of the wait and journey. Thereupon arriving in central Rome, I also didn't anticipate the time taking to find the hotel in the pitch black of midnight. Nao unfortunately is the kind of navigator that would get lost going down a one-way street, so wasn't much help. It was a bit of a disaster. Every turn we took was wrong, in every direction. We only found it in the end by chance (after another 40 minutes), and the result wasn't what we wanted. The lady, most probably sick of waiting, had left leaving a note that she had booked us in at another hotel a few blocks away... Nao was not pleased.

Nao - 'The little fark-bitch! If you own a fark hotel, then you stay in the fark hotel till the fark guest arrive! What da fark! You don't leave the fark place with a little fark note saying what da fark! Is a fark midnight. There's not even a fark map attach. I have a blister. The little fark-bitch.'

Is this the right train?...

So we're in a bind. Its well after midnight, there's no one around, and we've a hotel to find without directions. Nao is understandably tired with her heavy hitchhikers backpack, and the busted wheels on my suitcase are not making my efforts easier. Connecting to 3G in Rome is massively expensive so Nao gives me her Europe Lonely Planet which thankfully has a map of the area. With no street index, I'm down to scanning grid by grid, and luckily find it early in the search. We head off, in the direction I perceive to be correct. Dark streets and tired eyes don't help, and so we again go down a few errant passages but eventually find Hotel Fiamma, by the grace of god. Drama over? Absolutely not, for the night-man at the hotel desk was still to come, and he was a piece of work. I was beginning to think if the Vatican was an amusement park and we were there, we'd be on the ride going straight to hell.

Nao - 'The most useless ... fark idiot... I ever met in my fark life. He said he didn't have are reservation. He didn't know who we are. He knew nothing. He didn't know who the lady was at are hotel, he didn't even know the fark hotel. He knew nothing. He wouldn't use the phone in front of him to call her. He wouldn't let us use the phone to call her. His shirt is a wrong size. I don't think he realise his life in danger. I can tear a hole. I can fark tear a hole!'

This guy was useless in a package. Completely unhelpful, and totally incompetent. Nao was at boiling point. This guy was really asking for it. Nao can tear a hole. He was really asking for it. I contacted the woman who insisted she made the booking with the owner and the guy had to let us in. He then wanted to charge us their rate of €130 for the night, not the agreed upon amount the lady had said would stay the same. This did not go down well. It was like he was purposely backing a truck towards the edge of a crumbling cliff, bit by bit, in testing our tolerance. Just before it was all about to give way, he conceded to let us have the room and sort it out in the morning. He had come that close to being a spaghetti stain on the wall. By the time we got into our room, it was near 2 in the morning. Whoever said 'All roads lead to Rome', was taking it a giggle too far.

Day 2: Rome begins
The morning for us confirmed a few things. First, that the night-man was a complete muppet. The boss who was there in the morning had received the booking and it was in the system. What this guys excuse was I have no idea. The other slightly annoying thing was that we had been booked there for our entire stay. A point we hadn't realised, so had packed our things up to head out to where we thought we were staying. I actually didn't mind this too much because it meant we didn't have to lug our bags out again, and this was a 3 star hotel, compared to the B&B which I'm sure was less. We did miss out on breakfast though as we weren't up early enough. Only by about 5 minutes, but that was enough to not be allowed any leeway, despite being put through the ringer by their staff, late that previous night.

Out and about in Rome

We decided to spend this day, taking it as easy as we could. We knew the main attractions would mean queues, and we just didn't have the tether for it after our dramas. We left the hotel and began a walk. It had been over 12 hours since we landed, and only now was Rome to properly factor in our experience. We felt relaxing our state was a good way to start and enjoy it. The only minor thing was it was pretty hot (35C).

Nao - 'Because we miss out on a breakfast coz of da night-man fark, we got it at da Train station near us. It was good. They give you a cupachino and a crosant and a juice for like €3 only. That's a good fark deal. We go for a walk and itsa pretty hot. I used to it but Yohei keep complaining. Fark needs to hard up. I want to find a Primark but I don't think they have one. We keep walking coz Yohei is a broke an can't afford a bus. There are lots of old and busted buildings in Rome. I don't know why they don't demolish them and put a more shops, like a H&M and Zara and a Primark. Its a fark waste.'

The light eclipse at the Pantheon

The monuments in Rome are like non other. I thought Paris was pretty good, but comparatively, it doesn't come close. In Rome there is site after site of historic wonder, on nearly every corner. In the first few we saw, the ones particularly impressive where the Monumento a Vittorio Emanuele II for its grandiose, and the Pantheon for the amazing light feature created through the opening in the dome. In ancient times it was used like a sundial I think. In the evening we took the bus to Trastevere, a district by the Tevere river that we'd both been recommended. We had our first pasta dinner there which was nice and exciting. It was clean, crisp and tasty. Very reasonably priced too. Afterwards we had a walk along the boardwalk by the river where they had shops and kiosks. Took a really nice composed shot of sister on the bridge in the light and gave her the camera to take one of me. She struggled a bit with the one click mechanism on the camera so we gave up after 5 attempts.

Nao - 'Yohei camera is a crap piece of fark. You click and it does nothing. I know how a camera work. Its a click an you get a picture. I like a shops by the river. I bought a necklace for a friend but I think I keep it for a me coz it look better on me. I like a brusheta too and the other food. I like a food. I could eat a all day.' 

Talent behind the camera

Day 3: The long lines to heaven
The Vatican is one of those things you have to seen in Rome. It just is. Like the Eiffel in Paris. Otherwise you'd go back home and have to put up with that face from others for missing it. We knew it would mean queues, we were under no illusions. No mere mortal can expect to just waltz into the kingdom of god, you must queue. The other thing is when visiting the Vatican is that you have to cover up for reasons of respect. This meant we were both in trousers, and Nao's shoulders had to be covered. Rather tough, given the heat. We set off early, thinking that would minimise the time. It did not.

Nao - 'We had to wait for 2 1/2 hours... wat da fark. I wanted to take a tour to skip pass da lines but Yohei was a broke so we had to wait. The line was so long. It was like I die. There was this fark England man in front of us pretend like he was a tour guide but it was a big scam. I nearly smash him. He wasn't official but had a friend tricking people that he was. I thought we not gonna make it in but we did make it in. I was a fark tired on hot coz of stupid pants. I don't know why god don't like legs. He probably a jealous.'

Vatican lane

The queue ordeal was totally exhausting. What's more, it was the queue for the Vatican Museum and Sistine Chapel. The Basilica was another separate queue by the St Pietro Piazza. We didn't care by the time we got in. We actually didn't care much about anything. We were so tired our attitude was pretty much 'this better be bloody spectacular'. As it happened, it was a little underwhelming. I don't know what I was expecting really. Angels with harps floating freely perhaps? Jesus strolling the grounds? Not the case. My sister and I just looked at each other blankly. We decided to go straight for the teeth and check out the Sistine Chapel. The walk there isn't too bad actually. There's some cool ceiling art, lit quite cleverly. The Sistine Chapel itself is a funny thing. Through a narrow entrance you squeeze yourself in and are immediately greeted by guards that shush you. They shush everyone. God needs his peace I guess, he has a lot on his plate, but I'd say the shushing easily out-noised the murmur created by the crowd. The guards were angry chaps too. Would've been perfectly cast as henchmen in the Dan Brown novels with their shushingness. Wasn't much lighting in the Chapel and you weren't allowed to take photos. We stood and looked at it, and left. Not just the Chapel, the whole Vatican. We had spent more time outside trying to get in, than inside before getting out.

Nao - 'Waste of time. Its just like a Museum and a Church and thats it. Why I have to wait for 2 1/2 hours for the time is a unbelieve it. The Pope wasn't even there to take a picture. Thats a rude. If someone come to my house in a morningside and pay me a €15, I let them take a picture. I nearly yell at a people in da line to turn around when we exit and spend da money on a pizza big mac.'

Crowds around the Trevi... spot the Nao...

The infamous Trevi Fountain was our next stop just a small walk away. Featured in La Dolce Vita (here), it was an impressive sight, surrounded by a swarm of people all clamoring for photos. We both obliged ourselves and flicked coins over our shoulders (though Nao was a little reluctant) but convinced her it was for luck.

Nao - 'I like da fountain, but why should I fark throw money in da water? Yohei said it for luck. Thats a ranga. A guy gave me a rose for free then try to take money. I nearly smash him. We had a dinner nearby like da first night but it was worser. I have a veal but it was like a fark real thin and had this crap on it like a dog meat. Yohei had a chicken which look nice but I don't want his germs so I just watch him eat it. That was it.'


Day 4: Time for the Gladiators   
Was quite excited about this day, as it was the day for the Colosseum. The site I had been most eager to see, and it didn't disappoint. It was awesome, scale massive. You take the underground there, and when you reach the surface it just hits you. We got inside and it further impressed. It rises surprisingly high, and the nose-bleeder seats are genuine nose-bleeder seats. Its amazing to think back then 70AD they constructed something so magnificent that actually had nose-bleeder seats. Was quite interesting to read about the games etc. Apparently they went on for 500 years before ceasing. I'm not totally opposed to bringing it back. What a thing to see, imagine it. Throw some crooks into the arena, unleash some lions, they survive, they free. Fair enough I think.

Photo not doing it justice...

Afterwards we did quite a bit of walking around Palatine Hill and the Forum Ruins as they were all part of the same ticket. Its a good value deal actually as you get the spectacle in the Colosseum and the Hill and Ruins provide some good views as well. Nao was wearing jandals that day and the walking combined with the dusty tracks made her feet get really dirty. When we got back to the Hotel she wanted to wash them in the bidet. I told her this was not the correct use of the device and its probably a good idea that she don't.

Nao - 'I don't get wat da big deal is. Its a tub with a drain. Why can't I use it to wash my feet? Its at a perfekt feet level. It's a clean, I don't care. Itsa perfekt. I don't get how they use it in real life. They should have a instruction or a DVD. Itsa weird. I didn't want anotha pasta for dinner so we have a Chinese at a wok place. I thought i could not have a worser meal than yesterday. I was a wrong. I got served da most fark disgust fark meal of my life. It was a chick on rice. Fark easy dish. Even my fark brother can cook. It was complete dry, overcook with burnt breadcrumb. They even fark up the rice coz it was a crunch. How da fark do you fark a rice? The only thing they don't fark is the beer, which I nearly use as weapon to give them a smash.'


The Weekend Alone 
The last 2 days I spent on my own. Nao had a tiki tour to join in Venice but I stayed on, moving to a different hotel with a single room. She settled the bill at the first place (because she is 'so fark rich she could buy da White House'), I said Happy Birthday to her, and she was away. I'm all for the little sister shouting older brother things movement. I think for too long society has expected/demanded the opposite. Why?... I think wisdom in age and years should be valued, and the best way to value that is by shouting the older brother trips to Rome. Its a positive move.

Getting snaps in my lone time

Anyway, this was my first real alone time in any of my European escapades so far. It was a bit of a weird thing. It made me think of the brilliant film by Sean Penn 'Into the Wild', where the protagonist ultimately decides that experience only has value when shared. He may be right. I immediately felt like I was in a cocoon of silence, which was a bit unnerving. There was no one to laugh at my jokes, and not having rich sister to pay for things, also limited my options so I was a bit stuck for ideas.

One idea I did have was to go to the beaches near Nettuno & Anzio and kill some time relaxing on the shores, maybe doing some writing etc there. I took the train, but was a bit disappointed when I arrived. I felt a bit uncomfortable and distracted there. It just wasn't a place of peace. Maybe it was all the deckchairs and umbrellas they littered on the beach like Czech Hedgehogs (anti tank devices of WWII). Makes it seem cluttered and without freedom. I just wanted a plain, nice, open beach. Another reason why I possibly didn't like it was because the beach was predominantly occupied with fat old people and kids. Nothing close to me own age to look at. I mean I wasn't expecting a haven of scantily dressed models,... well maybe I was, but I ain't greedy. A handful would've satisfied me plenty. As it was, not a bean.

The next day I decided to forget the beach and try the park at Villa Borghese, and was glad I did. This was much more me in the sense of serenity, and also had plenty of things to see and do. The highlight was finding the smallest purpose built cinema in the world named Cinema dei Piccoli. Was really cool, and would have loved to have seen a film there but they were evening screenings only, and it was a distance from the hotel. They also had a Museum, an outdoor cinema, a playhouse, an old style chariot ground and a zoo. It was a day that completely justified my additional stay.

Smallest cinema in the world!.. It's so cute!

From there I continued walking around parts of Rome I hadn't covered with my sister. It was nice. My last significant meal was my most enjoyable. Tortellini & beer. Beautiful. Somehow, the beer ended up being the same price as the meal, but I've learnt to take the bitter with the better and roll with it. And that was it. The next day was off to Ciampino Airport and home. Salutes to Gatwick and Ryanair for getting me back 30mins early, with luggage ready and waiting. Also tipped hat to Nao for paying for trip and promising to give me all her unspent leftover money from remainder of trip, of which she said there'll be plenty.

Yohei's last supper