 |
| "Hurry up Wilson, take the photo!.. Can't keep my balance for this long!" |
Skiing for the first time can be an intimidating prospect. This is especially so if you are latter in years (30+ of them), have footballers knees, and the balance of a drunk gymnast. This was my exact predicament having decided to sacrifice body and soul, in spending 7 days in Chamonix attempting the activity of leisure, enjoyed by so many.
Despite being a tremendous athlete, my record on ice and snow is both abject and scant. I can't ice skate (despite many attempts) and have only experienced proper snow, fluffing about in it when I first arrived in Europe a few years ago. Acknowledging these limitations, I went about managing my own expectations as to how bad I would be. I set the bar pretty low. One notch above 'tumbling disaster'. I think what I was actually trying to do, was bluff myself into believing I wouldn't be as bad as I was expecting. It didn't work.
After the first day, I was so woeful, I got put in a group of other misfits and made to do the beginners class again. It was deeply embarrassing. There I was, a 6ft stack of prime Kobe Beef, wobbling like a human jelly mold, down the gentle decline of a 'happy valley' slope. There's something unnerving and unnatural in a Titan's fall, which was all I was to witness. The stench of failure was wafting in the air, and it was pungent.
Thankfully, shame is something relatively familiar to me in my life, which I admit now with pride. Over the following few days, I focused my mind and summoned inner strength in an effort to improve. There were many falls along the way, but my ability gradually increased and by the end of the week, on the very last day, I conquered a 'red' slope (second most difficult category of slope on a 4 point scale).
It was a satisfying feeling. I'd like to be able to attribute it all to self-determination and guile, but in truth I received much assistance from the instructor, fellow misfit group members, and friends. Realistically, skiing is an enterprise that cannot be tackled alone. The method involved is too far removed from human instinct. We have not evolved to descend in such a manner.
With this in mind, I have decided to give back to the people and dedicate this particular blog to helping others with a list of 10 useful things I picked up from my own experience. I'm not sure how "useful" these will actually be, but at the very least, it will hopefully give you an idea of what I went through, and the challenges I faced.
The characters that joined me on this trip were Kelley, Penelope, Turtle, Gloria and Wilson.
 |
| (from left to confused... actually both sides are confused) Kelley, Penelope & Turtle |
10. LONG THICK SOCKS AND OTHER BITS AND BOBS
You want to give yourself the best chance of success when hitting the slopes for the first time, and having the right stuff helps. The Ski boots you'll hire, aren't primarily designed for comfort. They are big, rigid and heavy. I happened to drop one on my toe and it turned black. Wearing them properly is slightly less painful, but thick ski socks are a must. They have to be long too as you're made to pull them up straight Mary Poppins style, leaving no crinkles, otherwise you'll suffer pain as you strap your boots in tight. Proper Ski pants are also essential (breathable with water proofing (10,000mm is a good measurement for each)). Depending on how cold it is, you may want base layers beneath your fleece and jacket. I had two types of base layers. An expensive Merino Wool one, and a couple of cheap Polyester jobs. Despite being 90% cheaper, the Polyester base layers weren't worth the money I paid for them. Completely useless. Your sweat just ends up clinging to your body which is not ideal. Even the girls sweated in them, and sweaty girls are just not nice. Merino here is the only way to go. The stuff is basically sheep armour. Dry, warm, protective. You'll pay for the pleasure, but the best pleasures in life cost anyway. You'll also want gloves to keep your hands dry and warm, especially if you're intending to throw snowballs at snowboarders like Wilson and Gloria... though I would never throw snowballs at Gloria... She can solder wood with her eyes. My gloves were special ones that featured wrist strap, nose wipe and leather palms, but ordinary ski gloves are good too.I would also recommend goggles. I purchased some right before we skied into a blizzard and was thankful I had. When you are skiing at pace in a blizzard, your face gets attacked by little daggers of ice, and lots of them. Protecting the eyes and your own visibility becomes important. The blizzard we got caught in was so bad the instructor said our lesson for the day was to "survive". We managed our way down the slope after which, they closed the ski field. I thank my 'Sinner' goggles for guiding me safely.
 |
| He's a winner, he's a grinner, he's a midnight sinner |
9. SNOW PLOUGH
Snow plough is one of the first things you learn once your skis are attached. It is the name given to the technique used to bring one to a halt. The action involved requires one to form an arrow with top of the skis as you slide down the slope. The trick is, to also do so at a wedged angle to dig into the snow to create the 'snow plough' effect. I didn't initially realise the literal connection so spent most of the first day creating a flat arrow that did nothing but make me tumble quite spectacularly. The upside to this is that if you have an instructor who is an attractive young female (as I did at first), she will face you leaned over with her head between your legs in an attempt to correct your position as you head down the slope. It's far too great a distraction to actually help, but once you fully understand the concept and can execute it in practice, you'll be 10 times the skier immediately.8. DON'T GET DEMORALISED BY LES ENFANTS
When you first start, you'll be taken to the gentler slopes to learn and practice. Sharing this space, you'll find schools of toddlers, with mini skis and outfits also practicing. These are kids who 12 months prior, did not have the ability to walk, yet here they are hitting the slopes. You'll find it hard to maintain perspective lying in your heap and tangle of snow and skis, as a school of babies whizzes by. For some reason, skiing seems to come naturally to those under 5. All they seem to have to do is be pushed down a slope and they're gliding gracefully. I have several theories as to why this is. First, being mostly under 3ft, they have a low centre of gravity, making it more difficult for them to lose their balance. A bit like a small boulder rolling down a cliff. Very rarely do you see boulders trip up on the way down. The babies are also lightweight, so terminal velocity for them, isn't as fast as it might be for you or I... though some of them do manage a bit of zip, which leads me to my last point. The concept of death. At that age, they have none, and so have no fear. They don't realise a misstep could lead to a consequence of non-existence. They don't even know what non-existence is. If they had been brought up in India, where they make young kids watch Tigers feast on baby goats, then the situation would be different. You'd see some mighty cautious snow ploughing down happy valley. As it is they speed at will, carefree. Furthermore, they are completely oblivious to your plight and struggle and constantly get themselves in the way, causing you to bail to avoid collision. Indeed, the only way to cope with this is to consider them the enemy, and against enemies you must fight. Sure they might be able to ski with irritable ease, but when push comes to shove, they can still be shoved... which is funny because when they do fall, they don't have the intuition (or strength) to get up so they stay in their fallen position until someone comes to pick them up,.. which is sometimes ages. |
| Les Critters, I mean Enfants... (not my photo, don't shoot babies, can't prove anything) |
7. YOU WILL FALL
As much as swimmers get wet, skiers will fall. Even the very best fall. Turtle, who skiis off-piste (backcountry skiing), admitted this and I witnessed one of my ski instructors with 40 years of experience take a tumble. People may find this frightening but they really shouldn't. This is because snow, for the most part is pretty soft. It does help to be trained in the Luis Suarez school of football, but you'd do well to do any significant damage in the stuff. I myself took a fantastic number of falls but only came away with one bruise, and that was because an Australian girl "accidentally" crashed into me, full bodied. Granted, I am built of bricks, but I saw plenty of soft and small, fall face first at speed and nearly all got up, unscathed. At the end of the day, all one has to fear is death, and death is inevitable for us all anyway. There are far worse ways to go... Bear attack for example... Bear's claws are so sharp, they can decapitate you with a single swipe... |
| He looked into my eyes, and then slowly backed away... one wise bear. |
6. ACCEPT YOUR SPEED
An instructor spat this out as inspiration to overcome our anxieties. It's one thing to hear it, and another to follow through, but to a certain extent, he was right. Accepting your speed takes you a long way with regards to progressing as a skier. I was having a few issues with this, then decided to throw myself down a 'blue' slope, (one above the easiest being green), flat tack as fast as I could go. It was terrifying but it was absolutely what I needed at the time. Once I had completed this, the green slopes and the speeds I had previously been travelling at, seemed like lollipop strolls. I had moved on, and that was how.5. GOOD THINGS TAKE TIME
Skiing is a craft that is challenging. It is the big part of the allure. You want to get to the bottom of the slope and you want to look good doing it. Its a very public exercise and the cool cats stand out. But this level of skill cannot be attained easily. I managed to accomplish the basics over the week I was there, but only after the first 3-4 days did I begin to feel comfortable. If you are a complete beginner, you'll need to invest time if you want to get anywhere. A weekend, simply won't cut it. After my first 2 days, I was somewhat despaired, and thought my money would've been better spent on Geishas and Sake. But over the following days, things began to click to the point where I had some control over what I was doing. Then I really did feel like I was having fun. Once you have this feeling you'll want to spend at least another couple of days, basking in your own satisfaction, demonstrating your skills for all to see.Everyone picks things up at different speeds. My friend Kelley was much better than me at the start (he had snowboarded before), but then he was bed stricken with a sore throat, required back rubs from Penelope, lost his testicles, and became too scared to do a red slope (which I later flew down). My point is, time is required, and does pay off. There is no other way.
 |
| Nothing to be afraid of... Mont Blanc I think... |
4. THERE WILL BE LINES
Skiing is popular, which means there will be other people there, doing it with you. In order to Ski, of course you require a slope, and the only way to get up a slope is via gondola, ski lift, or tow rope thing that I can't remember the proper name for. To be honest, it wasn't too bad for us, and I could certainly imagine it being worse, but you can often expect to wait 10-15 minutes for a popular slope and then a few minutes to get up it via lift. The queues for the gondolas can often be a bit longer (30 - 40 mins), as the rides to those slopes are longer and are often for the whole ski field itself as opposed to a single slope. In Chamonix, the queue system is a bit of a free-for-all as the concept of lining up in order of arrival, isn't really one that is respected. It's basically push, nudge, body check anarchy in order to get yourself in there. The only rule that does seem in place, is the one for the Ski Ecoles (Ski School), where the previously mentioned Les Enfants get to scoot through with priority. In most cases, I'm not against this sort of thing, but there are thousands of them. Literally thousands. Its hard to do anything but grit your teeth as they come bobbing down in their swarms to take places on the lift, that should rightfully be yours.There also seems to be great inefficiencies in loading these kids onto the ski-lifts, gondolas etc. They are treated like normal adult human beings in the way they are loaded on, despite being a third of the size at best. It's an infuriating watch to see a huge gondola depart with 6 toddlers seated onboard consuming 20% of the space, while you wait in line. Sideways. Stacking. Simple. Fifty up at a time. Do it that way!
3. GREAT WORKOUT, ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE NO TECHNIQUE
During a lunch, I was chatting with one of the instructors with 40 years experience and he made a comment that a reason he continued to do it, was due to fitness. I agreed that it was a really good workout, and that my legs had been especially sore after a day out on the slopes."No, this is just because you have no technique!..." he responded.
To be fair, he didn't deliver the line in a condescending manner at all, but was just trying to reassure me that over time, once I had become more fluid, then there would be less stress on those parts of the body that were trying to overcompensate at this present point in time. And he was right. Towards the end of the week, I barely noticed the aches and pains at all. I even got used to the weight of the ski boots and trotting around in them with legs like hind quarters.
It is a physical vocation however, which you can tell must work, because every one out there seemed in pretty good shape.
 |
| Sexy trim! |
2. TAKE LESSONS
Every day I took a lesson, I learnt something. This is important, as there is a hell of a lot to learn when skiing, and it is continual. Even you think you have all the basics under your belt, your instructor will take you to a more difficult slope, and your basic skills will not be sufficient, forcing you to practice something else. It can be a little frustrating as you're constantly acquiring skills, then starting from scratch, but there is variety in landscape, and the slopes are no different. If you wish to conquer them all, you'll do it quicker with tutelage.Our instructor was really good. Very patient and gave specific advice. The more specific advice you can get the better. He also taught us this thing where you slide down a slope, doing a 360 degree turn. I wasn't able to pull it off intentionally, but I was taught the theory. Without such instruction, a move like that wouldn't have even entered my imagining.
1. THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEBODY ELSE, WORSE THAN YOU
Over the course of your many tumbles and falls (and there will be many), you'll find your psychology dwelling in some pretty dark places. Mine did many times. After the first day, having tumbled fairly consistently in front of most of the ski field, I was convinced I was the worst skier out there. Then, after I was forced to do the beginners class again, I thought the same. But I wasn't.This was because there happened to be this adorable, cute, little Chinese girl in our group who I witnessed take at least twice as many tumbles as I. For some reason, this made me feel better. It wasn't because this took me off the bottom of the heap. Actually, I'm sure she wasn't the worst either. But the effect it had was that it brought me out of my own bubble of self pity, and awakened me to the fact that other people were struggling in the same way as I, and that this was something shared.
What was further inspiring, was that every time this delicate little flower fell, she composed herself, picked up all her petals, and got straight back up. No tears, no cries, no nonsense. It was a magnificent show of courage and fantastic tribute to spirit and determination. By the end of the week she too had completed a red slope. She could even whip out a bit of parallel skiing for show. It was quite remarkable, and she was so pretty.
Although the statement above may seem somewhat adversarial, this serves only to draw one's attention to the bigger picture that the experience of skiing is not. When you begin, you may think that you are all alone, and much of the battle is fought internally in the mind, but others are there guide and encourage, lift and support.
Fight with might and give it a go!
 |
| Worth it for the views alone! |
